Art Gallery, new work posted

skiddish & scattered

i'm scared, my heart's been pounding for days, meds don't seem to do much for that. i didn't feel them kick in at all the last few days. i dont know what to, it's so very hard to trust or belive that the emotions won't overwhelm me, or that the situations will resolve....it's very scary

over and over again and again

i dont like how it feels, to be forced into someone having control over you, it feels abusive, thats how they define domestically abusive relationships.....i hate this, it's not ok, and I dont really have anyone to talk it over with.....i hate this, i feel so alone.....

force

i'm being forced into 1. being legally tied to my abusive parents and 2. being forced into someone else having all control over my money. they can't find another place for me to live and the place i'm in now is closing thursday. the company wants me to have a cosign and a payee. it feelsl ike i'm being forced into a controling relationship which feels alot like an abusive relationship. i hat this, idont like it, i dont like how it feels. i dont know what to do.

nearenraged.

i email my dr just double checking if i should leave a note with the clinic, and i get back an email that says i can'temail him anymore at all for anything, and he wont email me. wtf. just feels like he's pushing me away, i dont need more distance from my supports. i'm REALLY angry and hurt and scared and i dont like this. he KNOWS i'm sensitive, he KNOWS i'd freak out, why wouldn't he send an explination? "no more email, ever, anywhywhowherehow ever, thanks" wtf. i'm gonna haul off and punch that man.

loss of control

other thingsl ater, but at the moment i'm in a very uncomfortable-to-say-the-least situation. i'm being forced to be legally ocnnected to my abusive parents and being forced into a payee so some stranger will have control over my money. i hate this, the feeling is like being in the hospital for the first time, they lock you up, take your things, take your meds, you have no control, you give it over to them, and i hate that feeling, i hate this, why do i have ot be forced into this like this

hidden scars

so i've had anxiety attacks all over the place, i've been overwhelmed, kind of feeling confused all week. therapist thinks it's some part of me haing flashbacks, or memories, and i'm getting some of the emotional fall out, it's really draining, and consuming, and kind of, no, very scary. i get some of the, "i dont want ot do this anymore"too, he thinks that's also from some part or parts....crying out or something. it's all very very confusing. atleast i have a therapist who knows how this goes though. thank god for that.

.....?

all of a sudden monday came and along with it a tidal wave of depression smacked me down into an inability to get going or move or do anything productive whatsoever. took 5 hours to take a shower, by the time i got going it was too late to go, so i hi the pharmacy where i found out my doc had the wrong dose on a rx you can't phone in and i was out of.... that didn't help. i'm scared of loosing it, scared of ending up in the hospital again...i've been in the hospital SO much.....that's scary in itself. then there's, my therapist asked me a couple sessions ago, if i thought i'd ever have my own place, i just cried, said i didn't know, i feel so...incompetent

last drop.

i keep tyring and keep trying and keep trying and trying, i put energy into it, i use my skills,look at my damned diary cards, they've got skills checked off all over the place, i do therapy i do meds i do hospitals i do groups i do programs i do school and nothing seems to change any of my experience. i dont know what to do, i can't think of what to do i dont understand what i need to do to change this. and no one really seems very convinced they know either.

trying

this is trying and i am trying and i keep trying, at least i'm trying to try. i think i am, i hope i am, i'd like to think i'm trying. this is really hard, and every night it seems i get that fleeting but terrible omg-i can't do this, i don't want to do this, someone please help me feeling, and as short as that is, it's horrible feeling, it's a horrible feeling, i don't know what to do, i'm going to go without my therapist again, for another week because i have to have a medical procedure done, i hate these feelings, and i hate being alone , i hate this.