Monday, January 7, 2008

shadows flying, spirits dying
swirling down in the far dark night
reflections of dream, the heart's only light
fears cast long through shatterred eyes
do you see me?
is she there?
in and out and through she fades
invisible? nor here nor there?
smoke and mirrors
two mnoths old or a thousand years?
falls and rivers and seas of tears
dancing a song of played out fears
steps siered in forgotten memories
silent meolied play through her mind
words lost in tongue, lost in time
never forgotten
never remembered
always lost



a fire burns fierce, it's flames are cold
cutting through both body and soul
each leaves it's mark in ash and oil
its wounds don't heal, only grow old
a longing heart, a child unknown
keep your tears, they will not help
but stay, please stay, stay with me
unknown darkness sings with pain
sad? or scared? or angry? in need?
no one knows, no one sees
take my hand, it trembles so
take me safe
take me though
take this child, while strong and weak
take this child, so she may speak
this child she speaks of ice and flame
the child speaks; a life of pain
take this child 'fore she fades
take this child, unknown to love's name
keep this child, all the same
lay me down, please lay me down
my poor heart, it races and pounds
lay me down
my soul shivers, quivers, disappears
my desperate cry, my desperate selves
please take me out, take me down
waters rush like tears
winds they blow, wild and cold
please tell them, please take them
keep them from, the world, themselves
lay their hearts to rest, their spirits stole'n
take back the child, take back the innocence
take back the pain, take back rain
let it fall , back into place
let it fall, through time and space
fall into those mysterious loving arms
hopes of comfort
come hold my hand
trembling be

Friday, January 4, 2008

homeless & lonely

i started feeling homeless about...a week or so ago, yes i have a roof over my head, but it's basically a shelter, a 550 dollar a month shelter.... since the staff are abusive i try to stay out most of the day, i'm out of classes and i've just been wasting time at places, malls, my parents house (pretty much just for the computer and food), i feel like i dont belong anywhere, i'm not wanted anywhere, i'm not needed's very distressing, it's lonely, and alone and depressing. i've been having a wanting to run and cry kind of feeling. I was waiting for group the other night and i was actually scanning the place looking for corners to hide in. it's like my brain is just shutting down, it's not safe to feel things at that place, there's no privacy, and it's starting to interfere in my treatment. i left a note for my case manager, trying to underscore how much i need to get out of that place and why. she wanted me to hang in there at that place for another few MONTHS. i realy don't want to and can't afford to end up in a hospital, especially since none of them around here have trauma programs, and most keep trying to dx me with bipolar, the last one said i was delusional.

it just seems so....pointless, but logically, not just emotionally like before...

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

confusion of the third kind

the shelter i'm staying at is setting me back in therapy, it's at the very least stopping in it's tracks. the staff have been verbally and emotionally abusive, they've threatened legal action for crimes i've never even thought of comitting. they still insist i've committed them infront of my case manager. but during that session i also found out that this non-proffit PAYS their board of directors. the exec. director says she doesn't get paid but just bought a new Benz and is having a house built.

i'm a very intelligent person. and that doesn't make any sense.