trying

this is trying and i am trying and i keep trying, at least i'm trying to try. i think i am, i hope i am, i'd like to think i'm trying. this is really hard, and every night it seems i get that fleeting but terrible omg-i can't do this, i don't want to do this, someone please help me feeling, and as short as that is, it's horrible feeling, it's a horrible feeling, i don't know what to do, i'm going to go without my therapist again, for another week because i have to have a medical procedure done, i hate these feelings, and i hate being alone , i hate this.

sailing my vesel

i was neuroticaly obsessed worried and panicking baout this weekend, i had no one that i'm familiar with to contact, i did find a new crisis center number, thankfully i haven't had to really call any of them, i went to the mall, saw a movie, bought some things on clearance, had lunch, went home, took a nap...went to church today, still not sure why i keep going, i stopped at a store to look for things for my experiemental sculpture class, and now i'm on the ocmputer, going home sometime soon i suppose, have parades tomorrow....

bad feeling about this

i just don't feel ok. my therapist is now out of the country, unreachable, i missed a psychiatry appointment, not quite sure why, a counseling student cancled on me for next week, i dont really have anyone i can call if i get out of it, or atleast someone who won't think i'm just completely psychotic when i try to describe what i'm feeling, and no lack of credit to them, it's just something that sounds crazy. it's getting hard to shower or leave the house, i've been having thoughts of just taking seroquel every 6 hours and staying in bed all weekend........ i know, not good, not a good idea at all, i dont like not having a saftey net, well not having one short of inpatient, or the crisis center........wait there is a new crisis center....ok, maybe i'll try that, if i dont know too many people working there. i just feel like i'm crashing and i dont like it. i'm tyring to reach out, but then i dont know if it's "bad enough", or if it's important or if i'm just trying to get attention or what, it gets very confusing, and i don't quite know who to go to or what to do

radiation

my emotions are starting to boil i think, starting to leak out, starting to show themselves. it's scary, it's daunting, i feel very apprehensive. very hesitant and scared. yesterday i started having vague feelings/thoughts of not being well, not being stable, feeling wobbly and such, i wanted to page my therapist but i decided to sit with the feelings nad make it through on my own, then i ended up paging him, then i started getting upset watching tv, then th people at the new place scolded me for doing something my case manager told me too and ruined personal property, with no good reason. i was crying, feeling hurt, i got nauseous i was so upset. therapist never called back, i paged him three times. i really needed someone.

group flash

some innocent thing in a mindfulness exercise triggered a memory. we were listening to a children's story, a fairytale. there was a word mentioned, "hourglass", "hourglass figure". a boy in high school, a year back from me, he said he liked my hourglass figure, how beatiful i was. after high school, we were at his place, I forget why, but we were there, he decided to do something, he intended it to be something good, somehting for me, something to make me feel better...and had i been in an ordinary loniness or sadness and not depression brought on by abuse......and had i not been victim of trauma....maybe it would have felt good. he.................did a very, adult act, and i "let" him, i'm sure now that i probably froze, got scared, figured if i didn't move it would go away,... i started crying, either during or after, and he cursed himself, he told me he thought it would make me feel better, he said he wasn't thinking, he said he was sorry, and I believe him, i could tell he was sorry, regretful....but still, it gives me memories i dont want..........feelings i dont like...

jello kind of time

i'm feeling wobbly and slow, it's taking more and more energy and force to get myself in the shower or out the door. it's scaring me, i'm feeling wobbly, like i don't know what emotions are going to come next or from where, and i dont know if i'll be able to handle it or not......apprehensive.....i don't like it

home sweat home.....

the staff at home are yelling. ever since she got back from her weekend off, she's been snapping at people, and not just snapping, yelling, swearing, this morning we were just sitting there watching tv and she's yelling at people about worrying about themselves and whatever and then she's like "call me a b*tch or a wh*re or a n*gger, i don't care" and i'm just thinking wtf is she talking about. so i up and left. and here i am. my social worker is going to call her, i dont know if she's going to say anything about the yelling specifically, i just don't want to deal with it. i'm already dealing with intrusive suicidal thoguhts and feelings, i really don't need to be made to feel like i'm little and at home

Intercom

I have a private blog on another site that i've been using to talk to myself. therapist says that you don't have to have DID to have parts inside, the DID just means those parts come outside. but they won't talk to me, and i honestly don't know what the h_ll to do about it. i've tried talking over and over, i've tried asking, begging pleading, bribing... i've tried making safe places, telling them about safe people, safe times......but nothing, it's still like i dont have access to my own mind.

more house.

"He's just happy"

"We've got to stop this before it spreads"