skiddish & scattered

i'm scared, my heart's been pounding for days, meds don't seem to do much for that. i didn't feel them kick in at all the last few days. i dont know what to, it's so very hard to trust or belive that the emotions won't overwhelm me, or that the situations will resolve....it's very scary

over and over again and again

i dont like how it feels, to be forced into someone having control over you, it feels abusive, thats how they define domestically abusive relationships.....i hate this, it's not ok, and I dont really have anyone to talk it over with.....i hate this, i feel so alone.....

force

i'm being forced into 1. being legally tied to my abusive parents and 2. being forced into someone else having all control over my money. they can't find another place for me to live and the place i'm in now is closing thursday. the company wants me to have a cosign and a payee. it feelsl ike i'm being forced into a controling relationship which feels alot like an abusive relationship. i hat this, idont like it, i dont like how it feels. i dont know what to do.

nearenraged.

i email my dr just double checking if i should leave a note with the clinic, and i get back an email that says i can'temail him anymore at all for anything, and he wont email me. wtf. just feels like he's pushing me away, i dont need more distance from my supports. i'm REALLY angry and hurt and scared and i dont like this. he KNOWS i'm sensitive, he KNOWS i'd freak out, why wouldn't he send an explination? "no more email, ever, anywhywhowherehow ever, thanks" wtf. i'm gonna haul off and punch that man.

loss of control

other thingsl ater, but at the moment i'm in a very uncomfortable-to-say-the-least situation. i'm being forced to be legally ocnnected to my abusive parents and being forced into a payee so some stranger will have control over my money. i hate this, the feeling is like being in the hospital for the first time, they lock you up, take your things, take your meds, you have no control, you give it over to them, and i hate that feeling, i hate this, why do i have ot be forced into this like this

hidden scars

so i've had anxiety attacks all over the place, i've been overwhelmed, kind of feeling confused all week. therapist thinks it's some part of me haing flashbacks, or memories, and i'm getting some of the emotional fall out, it's really draining, and consuming, and kind of, no, very scary. i get some of the, "i dont want ot do this anymore"too, he thinks that's also from some part or parts....crying out or something. it's all very very confusing. atleast i have a therapist who knows how this goes though. thank god for that.

.....?

all of a sudden monday came and along with it a tidal wave of depression smacked me down into an inability to get going or move or do anything productive whatsoever. took 5 hours to take a shower, by the time i got going it was too late to go, so i hi the pharmacy where i found out my doc had the wrong dose on a rx you can't phone in and i was out of.... that didn't help. i'm scared of loosing it, scared of ending up in the hospital again...i've been in the hospital SO much.....that's scary in itself. then there's, my therapist asked me a couple sessions ago, if i thought i'd ever have my own place, i just cried, said i didn't know, i feel so...incompetent

last drop.

i keep tyring and keep trying and keep trying and trying, i put energy into it, i use my skills,look at my damned diary cards, they've got skills checked off all over the place, i do therapy i do meds i do hospitals i do groups i do programs i do school and nothing seems to change any of my experience. i dont know what to do, i can't think of what to do i dont understand what i need to do to change this. and no one really seems very convinced they know either.

trying

this is trying and i am trying and i keep trying, at least i'm trying to try. i think i am, i hope i am, i'd like to think i'm trying. this is really hard, and every night it seems i get that fleeting but terrible omg-i can't do this, i don't want to do this, someone please help me feeling, and as short as that is, it's horrible feeling, it's a horrible feeling, i don't know what to do, i'm going to go without my therapist again, for another week because i have to have a medical procedure done, i hate these feelings, and i hate being alone , i hate this.

sailing my vesel

i was neuroticaly obsessed worried and panicking baout this weekend, i had no one that i'm familiar with to contact, i did find a new crisis center number, thankfully i haven't had to really call any of them, i went to the mall, saw a movie, bought some things on clearance, had lunch, went home, took a nap...went to church today, still not sure why i keep going, i stopped at a store to look for things for my experiemental sculpture class, and now i'm on the ocmputer, going home sometime soon i suppose, have parades tomorrow....

bad feeling about this

i just don't feel ok. my therapist is now out of the country, unreachable, i missed a psychiatry appointment, not quite sure why, a counseling student cancled on me for next week, i dont really have anyone i can call if i get out of it, or atleast someone who won't think i'm just completely psychotic when i try to describe what i'm feeling, and no lack of credit to them, it's just something that sounds crazy. it's getting hard to shower or leave the house, i've been having thoughts of just taking seroquel every 6 hours and staying in bed all weekend........ i know, not good, not a good idea at all, i dont like not having a saftey net, well not having one short of inpatient, or the crisis center........wait there is a new crisis center....ok, maybe i'll try that, if i dont know too many people working there. i just feel like i'm crashing and i dont like it. i'm tyring to reach out, but then i dont know if it's "bad enough", or if it's important or if i'm just trying to get attention or what, it gets very confusing, and i don't quite know who to go to or what to do

radiation

my emotions are starting to boil i think, starting to leak out, starting to show themselves. it's scary, it's daunting, i feel very apprehensive. very hesitant and scared. yesterday i started having vague feelings/thoughts of not being well, not being stable, feeling wobbly and such, i wanted to page my therapist but i decided to sit with the feelings nad make it through on my own, then i ended up paging him, then i started getting upset watching tv, then th people at the new place scolded me for doing something my case manager told me too and ruined personal property, with no good reason. i was crying, feeling hurt, i got nauseous i was so upset. therapist never called back, i paged him three times. i really needed someone.

group flash

some innocent thing in a mindfulness exercise triggered a memory. we were listening to a children's story, a fairytale. there was a word mentioned, "hourglass", "hourglass figure". a boy in high school, a year back from me, he said he liked my hourglass figure, how beatiful i was. after high school, we were at his place, I forget why, but we were there, he decided to do something, he intended it to be something good, somehting for me, something to make me feel better...and had i been in an ordinary loniness or sadness and not depression brought on by abuse......and had i not been victim of trauma....maybe it would have felt good. he.................did a very, adult act, and i "let" him, i'm sure now that i probably froze, got scared, figured if i didn't move it would go away,... i started crying, either during or after, and he cursed himself, he told me he thought it would make me feel better, he said he wasn't thinking, he said he was sorry, and I believe him, i could tell he was sorry, regretful....but still, it gives me memories i dont want..........feelings i dont like...

jello kind of time

i'm feeling wobbly and slow, it's taking more and more energy and force to get myself in the shower or out the door. it's scaring me, i'm feeling wobbly, like i don't know what emotions are going to come next or from where, and i dont know if i'll be able to handle it or not......apprehensive.....i don't like it

home sweat home.....

the staff at home are yelling. ever since she got back from her weekend off, she's been snapping at people, and not just snapping, yelling, swearing, this morning we were just sitting there watching tv and she's yelling at people about worrying about themselves and whatever and then she's like "call me a b*tch or a wh*re or a n*gger, i don't care" and i'm just thinking wtf is she talking about. so i up and left. and here i am. my social worker is going to call her, i dont know if she's going to say anything about the yelling specifically, i just don't want to deal with it. i'm already dealing with intrusive suicidal thoguhts and feelings, i really don't need to be made to feel like i'm little and at home

Intercom

I have a private blog on another site that i've been using to talk to myself. therapist says that you don't have to have DID to have parts inside, the DID just means those parts come outside. but they won't talk to me, and i honestly don't know what the h_ll to do about it. i've tried talking over and over, i've tried asking, begging pleading, bribing... i've tried making safe places, telling them about safe people, safe times......but nothing, it's still like i dont have access to my own mind.

more house.

"He's just happy"

"We've got to stop this before it spreads"

feelings?

it felt like part of me wanted to die, part of me doesn't have a reason to live, and it made me very sad, scared and upset, it was distant, but still, it was there, I don't know what to do with it, it's hard to know what to do with things you can't quite grasp. it's like seeing a shadow in the dark, you can see the outline, kind of, it's distorted, you don't know where it really is, where it's coming from, if it's friendly or if it's foe....just not sure what to do, so i do what i've been doing, just going along, keep going, keep trying..........even if i'm not really in it....keep going.........

i've been trapped in this for three years........

i dont want to do it anymore

which one is me?

was in session, and i felt like i had two perspectives at once, like i was here and not here, but the here wasn't me, like i was out of myself an connected to myself at the same time. it wasn't really clear or distinct but it was,...

quote of the day

sometimes the biggest act of faith is getting up,taking a shower, and walking out of the house -unkown pastor

not the only one not seeing me

not only do i feel invisible, like my opinions and needs and wants have no meaning in the real world, now i have someone who thinks the same way, it's not as satisfying or helpful as you might think...someone who tramples on peoples' rights to make a buck, who's out for themselves, someone who has connections and therefor thinks she's god's gift to frickin shelters and women in need. well MY @SS. yes usually I'm more composed and eloquent and elegant and all that jazz, but you know what, I'm tired of being composed, I'm tired of being the good girl, the submissive one, the unproblematic one. screw that. screw them. the day after i move out, an agency will begin to file formal complaints with the state and county on my behalf, and so help me god (not that i believe in god), I hope they loose their funding, their license, and their reputation. and if i get blamed for that, all the better.

faces of change?

broken again

this swas inspired by an actity at an after-church service (church being something i don't do much, mostly due to the fact that i have no clue what i believe)


there, on the floor
broken into hundreds of thousands of pieces
a clay pot shattered, crushed and cracked
the wind and rain and snow and heat and cold has changed it
now looking like parts of a hundred different pots and bowls and vesels scattered on the ground
slowly, quietly, you near them
they tremble and shake
you step closser
they bounce and tumble and run from you
they hide among rocks and caves
they hide bellow gurggliing water of a stream
they hide across all corners of the earth
will they ever be found?
will they ever come together?
and if they do, will you be able to solve the puzzle
to put them back together again
do they still fit?
do the seams come together?
if they come back together, will you see the damage?
will there be scars?
or will the seams heal and look like new
and if they come back together, whole again
will it keep? will it hold?
or will it just break again?

house. bones.

"lies are like children, harwork but worth it, the future depends on them."


"better liars, more likely to get to the truth"

"absolutely no attitude or fear"
"something HAS to be done"

"exactly, her honesty proves just how dishonest she is"


you know i've been waiting for the perfect time to say to my psychiatrist, "yes dr. house"


"where are we going?"
"nowhere, I just know it hurts you"

"it's not going to be ok"

"searching for light, can't find the right star"

"the death of a thousand cuts"

"when you talk that fast, human beings can't hear you"

"you read my mind"
"it's a quick read"

waiting for the other shoe

so i spent a quickly slow 16 days in the hospital, some of which I think my doctor was just trying to give me a break from the constant stress and emotional abuse at "home", which is great, other then using up medicare days. You don't see cancer patients counting out their chemo days, trying to figure out if they have enough left before they have to pray to every concievable god for remission, diabetics aren't given a certain number of insulin shots per year, children aren't allowed a certain number of ear infections before the age of 10, and yet I can only get so sick that I'm a danger to myself a certain number of days and still get the propper treatment for it.

and to top it off, a week or so of intensive, all-day out patient, which apparently, someone said, are actually taken out of my inpatient days, and yet I wasn't inpatient. if i'm paying the same for it, I should get three meals, a snack, and free laundry.

the last two weeks of that treatment happened to overlap the beginning of the semester as well, and now that classes are cancled today, I've effectvly missed three weeks. thankfully I think I can reduce my credit load further without giving up aid, especially because a lot of professors are saying I've missed too much to catch up. So i'll just have three classes, a lab, yoga and tai chi, besides I had planned on taking the semester off anyhow, this way i get the benefits of being a student, medical care, bus passes, e-mail, computer labs...

Because of all of the above though, today i've gone through a complete spectrum of emotional chaos, and it's taking it's toll on my stomach, reflux, digestive problems, not to mention my hair's falling out.

shadows flying, spirits dying
swirling down in the far dark night
reflections of dream, the heart's only light
fears cast long through shatterred eyes
do you see me?
is she there?
in and out and through she fades
invisible? nor here nor there?
pain
existance
smoke and mirrors
two mnoths old or a thousand years?
falls and rivers and seas of tears
dancing a song of played out fears
steps siered in forgotten memories
silent meolied play through her mind
words lost in tongue, lost in time
never forgotten
never remembered
always lost

lost



lost




lost

a fire burns fierce, it's flames are cold
cutting through both body and soul
each leaves it's mark in ash and oil
its wounds don't heal, only grow old
a longing heart, a child unknown
keep your tears, they will not help
but stay, please stay, stay with me
unknown darkness sings with pain
sad? or scared? or angry? in need?
no one knows, no one sees
take my hand, it trembles so
take me safe
take me though
take this child, while strong and weak
take this child, so she may speak
this child she speaks of ice and flame
the child speaks; a life of pain
take this child 'fore she fades
take this child, unknown to love's name
keep this child, all the same

lay me down, please lay me down
my poor heart, it races and pounds
lay me down
my soul shivers, quivers, disappears
my desperate cry, my desperate selves
please take me out, take me down
waters rush like tears
winds they blow, wild and cold
please tell them, please take them
keep them from, the world, themselves
lay their hearts to rest, their spirits stole'n
take back the child, take back the innocence
take back the pain, take back rain
let it fall , back into place
let it fall, through time and space
fall into those mysterious loving arms
hopes of comfort
come hold my hand
trembling be

homeless & lonely

i started feeling homeless about...a week or so ago, yes i have a roof over my head, but it's basically a shelter, a 550 dollar a month shelter.... since the staff are abusive i try to stay out most of the day, i'm out of classes and i've just been wasting time at places, malls, my parents house (pretty much just for the computer and food), i feel like i dont belong anywhere, i'm not wanted anywhere, i'm not needed anywhere....it's very distressing, it's lonely, and alone and depressing. i've been having a wanting to run and cry kind of feeling. I was waiting for group the other night and i was actually scanning the place looking for corners to hide in. it's like my brain is just shutting down, it's not safe to feel things at that place, there's no privacy, and it's starting to interfere in my treatment. i left a note for my case manager, trying to underscore how much i need to get out of that place and why. she wanted me to hang in there at that place for another few MONTHS. i realy don't want to and can't afford to end up in a hospital, especially since none of them around here have trauma programs, and most keep trying to dx me with bipolar, the last one said i was delusional.

it just seems so....pointless, but logically, not just emotionally like before...

confusion of the third kind

the shelter i'm staying at is setting me back in therapy, it's at the very least stopping in it's tracks. the staff have been verbally and emotionally abusive, they've threatened legal action for crimes i've never even thought of comitting. they still insist i've committed them infront of my case manager. but during that session i also found out that this non-proffit PAYS their board of directors. the exec. director says she doesn't get paid but just bought a new Benz and is having a house built.

i'm a very intelligent person. and that doesn't make any sense.