Monday, February 18, 2008

Monday, February 11, 2008

broken again

this swas inspired by an actity at an after-church service (church being something i don't do much, mostly due to the fact that i have no clue what i believe)

there, on the floor
broken into hundreds of thousands of pieces
a clay pot shattered, crushed and cracked
the wind and rain and snow and heat and cold has changed it
now looking like parts of a hundred different pots and bowls and vesels scattered on the ground
slowly, quietly, you near them
they tremble and shake
you step closser
they bounce and tumble and run from you
they hide among rocks and caves
they hide bellow gurggliing water of a stream
they hide across all corners of the earth
will they ever be found?
will they ever come together?
and if they do, will you be able to solve the puzzle
to put them back together again
do they still fit?
do the seams come together?
if they come back together, will you see the damage?
will there be scars?
or will the seams heal and look like new
and if they come back together, whole again
will it keep? will it hold?
or will it just break again?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

house. bones.

"lies are like children, harwork but worth it, the future depends on them."

"better liars, more likely to get to the truth"

"absolutely no attitude or fear"
"something HAS to be done"

"exactly, her honesty proves just how dishonest she is"

you know i've been waiting for the perfect time to say to my psychiatrist, "yes dr. house"

"where are we going?"
"nowhere, I just know it hurts you"

"it's not going to be ok"

"searching for light, can't find the right star"

"the death of a thousand cuts"

"when you talk that fast, human beings can't hear you"

"you read my mind"
"it's a quick read"

waiting for the other shoe

so i spent a quickly slow 16 days in the hospital, some of which I think my doctor was just trying to give me a break from the constant stress and emotional abuse at "home", which is great, other then using up medicare days. You don't see cancer patients counting out their chemo days, trying to figure out if they have enough left before they have to pray to every concievable god for remission, diabetics aren't given a certain number of insulin shots per year, children aren't allowed a certain number of ear infections before the age of 10, and yet I can only get so sick that I'm a danger to myself a certain number of days and still get the propper treatment for it.

and to top it off, a week or so of intensive, all-day out patient, which apparently, someone said, are actually taken out of my inpatient days, and yet I wasn't inpatient. if i'm paying the same for it, I should get three meals, a snack, and free laundry.

the last two weeks of that treatment happened to overlap the beginning of the semester as well, and now that classes are cancled today, I've effectvly missed three weeks. thankfully I think I can reduce my credit load further without giving up aid, especially because a lot of professors are saying I've missed too much to catch up. So i'll just have three classes, a lab, yoga and tai chi, besides I had planned on taking the semester off anyhow, this way i get the benefits of being a student, medical care, bus passes, e-mail, computer labs...

Because of all of the above though, today i've gone through a complete spectrum of emotional chaos, and it's taking it's toll on my stomach, reflux, digestive problems, not to mention my hair's falling out.