Monday, December 31, 2007

unwritten

it's a bit cliche but, it works for me, i got it from a free lyric site for anyone who cares about that

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken

[Unwritten lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

phenomes

i've been occasionally having trouble forming words when i speak. i haven't tracked it, so i can't decern any possible triggers. it feels like there's a glitch before the brain sends a signal to the muscles. like I dont know the word, or don't know how ot say the word, don't know what's in the word, or........something. I have to think of how to say it, ot how it's said or something when i start stumbling over a word.

therapist has suggested younger personalities or parts, ones that are just learning or haven't learned to speak yet, trying to come out, or say something or experiencing something.

i really, i can't say, i'm conflicted as to if i want there to be parts or not, it could explain things, but....it's , well, terrifying, I keep telling myself it's ok, and it'll be fine, but it's on the most fundemental level, scary. it's the foundation and very fiber of your soul that has, not betrayed you, but in protecting you has gotten snagged up into a bit of a mess frankly.

i keep saying, if this was in a client i was seeing, it would make sense, it would be so much easier to understand but for some reason, because it's in *my* head, it's infinatly harder to understand and accept. why, i'm not sure.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Attempt for memory

i went to church today, i was tired of wasting time at the mall, don't want to be at that shelter anymore then i have to. this church was near a school i used to go to,i decided to stop by after ther service i went to. i was half expecting to come arcoss burried emotions, but i didn't. the church itself felt so much smaller, maybe because i'm bigger, or it was empty, i found a song in the song book that i used to sing 20 years ago, it's kind of sad that a song about trust and betrayal of family was my favorite song at about 7 yrs of age. I saw bubblers, one time we were lined up for drinks, and i think her name was julie, and she had red hair, freckles and two brothers, she had her cheeks puffed out like she had water in them, she probably did this many times before, but that time, i decided to slap her cheeks together, making her spit water out over the floor. I think i got in trouble but i dont rememeber anything else after that.

Friday, December 28, 2007

conflicted about ambivillance

it seems my whole world now revolved around opposite ended conflicts and confusing pushing and pulling of the most basic of biological and attachment instincts. this push and pull is theorized to be the cause of what dr. colin ross calls the locus of control shift. it causes a child to think they have power over the abuse by believe they caused it, and that how they behave can make it happen, and how their biological parents, abuse, neglect and all, are good and loving. when you mix this with child-like feelings and conflicts with adult thought and reasoning, you get a whole hell of a lot of confusion. today it's leaving my head scattered and light, my heart a bit fluttery. And now, the reduction of my therapy and doc hours is being forced through these maladaptive filters of thoughts and magical-self-centered reasoning, which, of course, leads to more emotions, and more confusion. It seems basically everything that underpins my life, makes no sense what-so-ever. And due to the vast lack of research and understanding in trauma related disorders, my treatment has for a while been taken as a wait and see approach, which is, as well as confusing, frustrating, drawn out and discouraging.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

starry night

but now, things are happening. weird, odd, intrusive, scary, unknowable things. things i dont have control over, but if i'm not controling them, who is? you have no idea how it feels. it's different then scared, or scary or freightened, it's a new, unkown universe all to itself. with walls that won't let you in, but yet whatever's inside out into your mind. I'm afraid I've become a part of an unknown percentage of the population that has been at some point in their lives thrust into a world they don't know, a world they've become lost in, a world where they are alone and yet filled with lonely people. Laying on the ground, staring at the stars, wondering what's up there, wondering how far it goes, wondering if there's life out there, life that can make contact, life that can communicate, new intelligences, new information... that is how my own self has become. That is how it feels to pear into my consciousness, a feeling of unknown, a vast unkown, one that I fear could swallow me whole if I let it, and yet, I have to let it. I have to let it in order to continue to survive. I have to jump into the unkown, without a net, without a lifeboat, without another, just close your eyes and jump. Be swallowed into the dark, hopefully to come out somewhere, somewhen on the other side, hoping for some point of light to develope in the darkness, hoping for a light to apear, to become a space, a place, a place where I can discover truths not known, a place to see years past lost, a place to know myself.