Friday, December 28, 2007

conflicted about ambivillance

it seems my whole world now revolved around opposite ended conflicts and confusing pushing and pulling of the most basic of biological and attachment instincts. this push and pull is theorized to be the cause of what dr. colin ross calls the locus of control shift. it causes a child to think they have power over the abuse by believe they caused it, and that how they behave can make it happen, and how their biological parents, abuse, neglect and all, are good and loving. when you mix this with child-like feelings and conflicts with adult thought and reasoning, you get a whole hell of a lot of confusion. today it's leaving my head scattered and light, my heart a bit fluttery. And now, the reduction of my therapy and doc hours is being forced through these maladaptive filters of thoughts and magical-self-centered reasoning, which, of course, leads to more emotions, and more confusion. It seems basically everything that underpins my life, makes no sense what-so-ever. And due to the vast lack of research and understanding in trauma related disorders, my treatment has for a while been taken as a wait and see approach, which is, as well as confusing, frustrating, drawn out and discouraging.

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