radiation

my emotions are starting to boil i think, starting to leak out, starting to show themselves. it's scary, it's daunting, i feel very apprehensive. very hesitant and scared. yesterday i started having vague feelings/thoughts of not being well, not being stable, feeling wobbly and such, i wanted to page my therapist but i decided to sit with the feelings nad make it through on my own, then i ended up paging him, then i started getting upset watching tv, then th people at the new place scolded me for doing something my case manager told me too and ruined personal property, with no good reason. i was crying, feeling hurt, i got nauseous i was so upset. therapist never called back, i paged him three times. i really needed someone.

group flash

some innocent thing in a mindfulness exercise triggered a memory. we were listening to a children's story, a fairytale. there was a word mentioned, "hourglass", "hourglass figure". a boy in high school, a year back from me, he said he liked my hourglass figure, how beatiful i was. after high school, we were at his place, I forget why, but we were there, he decided to do something, he intended it to be something good, somehting for me, something to make me feel better...and had i been in an ordinary loniness or sadness and not depression brought on by abuse......and had i not been victim of trauma....maybe it would have felt good. he.................did a very, adult act, and i "let" him, i'm sure now that i probably froze, got scared, figured if i didn't move it would go away,... i started crying, either during or after, and he cursed himself, he told me he thought it would make me feel better, he said he wasn't thinking, he said he was sorry, and I believe him, i could tell he was sorry, regretful....but still, it gives me memories i dont want..........feelings i dont like...

jello kind of time

i'm feeling wobbly and slow, it's taking more and more energy and force to get myself in the shower or out the door. it's scaring me, i'm feeling wobbly, like i don't know what emotions are going to come next or from where, and i dont know if i'll be able to handle it or not......apprehensive.....i don't like it

home sweat home.....

the staff at home are yelling. ever since she got back from her weekend off, she's been snapping at people, and not just snapping, yelling, swearing, this morning we were just sitting there watching tv and she's yelling at people about worrying about themselves and whatever and then she's like "call me a b*tch or a wh*re or a n*gger, i don't care" and i'm just thinking wtf is she talking about. so i up and left. and here i am. my social worker is going to call her, i dont know if she's going to say anything about the yelling specifically, i just don't want to deal with it. i'm already dealing with intrusive suicidal thoguhts and feelings, i really don't need to be made to feel like i'm little and at home

Intercom

I have a private blog on another site that i've been using to talk to myself. therapist says that you don't have to have DID to have parts inside, the DID just means those parts come outside. but they won't talk to me, and i honestly don't know what the h_ll to do about it. i've tried talking over and over, i've tried asking, begging pleading, bribing... i've tried making safe places, telling them about safe people, safe times......but nothing, it's still like i dont have access to my own mind.

more house.

"He's just happy"

"We've got to stop this before it spreads"

feelings?

it felt like part of me wanted to die, part of me doesn't have a reason to live, and it made me very sad, scared and upset, it was distant, but still, it was there, I don't know what to do with it, it's hard to know what to do with things you can't quite grasp. it's like seeing a shadow in the dark, you can see the outline, kind of, it's distorted, you don't know where it really is, where it's coming from, if it's friendly or if it's foe....just not sure what to do, so i do what i've been doing, just going along, keep going, keep trying..........even if i'm not really in it....keep going.........

i've been trapped in this for three years........

i dont want to do it anymore

which one is me?

was in session, and i felt like i had two perspectives at once, like i was here and not here, but the here wasn't me, like i was out of myself an connected to myself at the same time. it wasn't really clear or distinct but it was,...

quote of the day

sometimes the biggest act of faith is getting up,taking a shower, and walking out of the house -unkown pastor

not the only one not seeing me

not only do i feel invisible, like my opinions and needs and wants have no meaning in the real world, now i have someone who thinks the same way, it's not as satisfying or helpful as you might think...someone who tramples on peoples' rights to make a buck, who's out for themselves, someone who has connections and therefor thinks she's god's gift to frickin shelters and women in need. well MY @SS. yes usually I'm more composed and eloquent and elegant and all that jazz, but you know what, I'm tired of being composed, I'm tired of being the good girl, the submissive one, the unproblematic one. screw that. screw them. the day after i move out, an agency will begin to file formal complaints with the state and county on my behalf, and so help me god (not that i believe in god), I hope they loose their funding, their license, and their reputation. and if i get blamed for that, all the better.