faces of change?

broken again

this swas inspired by an actity at an after-church service (church being something i don't do much, mostly due to the fact that i have no clue what i believe)


there, on the floor
broken into hundreds of thousands of pieces
a clay pot shattered, crushed and cracked
the wind and rain and snow and heat and cold has changed it
now looking like parts of a hundred different pots and bowls and vesels scattered on the ground
slowly, quietly, you near them
they tremble and shake
you step closser
they bounce and tumble and run from you
they hide among rocks and caves
they hide bellow gurggliing water of a stream
they hide across all corners of the earth
will they ever be found?
will they ever come together?
and if they do, will you be able to solve the puzzle
to put them back together again
do they still fit?
do the seams come together?
if they come back together, will you see the damage?
will there be scars?
or will the seams heal and look like new
and if they come back together, whole again
will it keep? will it hold?
or will it just break again?

house. bones.

"lies are like children, harwork but worth it, the future depends on them."


"better liars, more likely to get to the truth"

"absolutely no attitude or fear"
"something HAS to be done"

"exactly, her honesty proves just how dishonest she is"


you know i've been waiting for the perfect time to say to my psychiatrist, "yes dr. house"


"where are we going?"
"nowhere, I just know it hurts you"

"it's not going to be ok"

"searching for light, can't find the right star"

"the death of a thousand cuts"

"when you talk that fast, human beings can't hear you"

"you read my mind"
"it's a quick read"

waiting for the other shoe

so i spent a quickly slow 16 days in the hospital, some of which I think my doctor was just trying to give me a break from the constant stress and emotional abuse at "home", which is great, other then using up medicare days. You don't see cancer patients counting out their chemo days, trying to figure out if they have enough left before they have to pray to every concievable god for remission, diabetics aren't given a certain number of insulin shots per year, children aren't allowed a certain number of ear infections before the age of 10, and yet I can only get so sick that I'm a danger to myself a certain number of days and still get the propper treatment for it.

and to top it off, a week or so of intensive, all-day out patient, which apparently, someone said, are actually taken out of my inpatient days, and yet I wasn't inpatient. if i'm paying the same for it, I should get three meals, a snack, and free laundry.

the last two weeks of that treatment happened to overlap the beginning of the semester as well, and now that classes are cancled today, I've effectvly missed three weeks. thankfully I think I can reduce my credit load further without giving up aid, especially because a lot of professors are saying I've missed too much to catch up. So i'll just have three classes, a lab, yoga and tai chi, besides I had planned on taking the semester off anyhow, this way i get the benefits of being a student, medical care, bus passes, e-mail, computer labs...

Because of all of the above though, today i've gone through a complete spectrum of emotional chaos, and it's taking it's toll on my stomach, reflux, digestive problems, not to mention my hair's falling out.

shadows flying, spirits dying
swirling down in the far dark night
reflections of dream, the heart's only light
fears cast long through shatterred eyes
do you see me?
is she there?
in and out and through she fades
invisible? nor here nor there?
pain
existance
smoke and mirrors
two mnoths old or a thousand years?
falls and rivers and seas of tears
dancing a song of played out fears
steps siered in forgotten memories
silent meolied play through her mind
words lost in tongue, lost in time
never forgotten
never remembered
always lost

lost



lost




lost

a fire burns fierce, it's flames are cold
cutting through both body and soul
each leaves it's mark in ash and oil
its wounds don't heal, only grow old
a longing heart, a child unknown
keep your tears, they will not help
but stay, please stay, stay with me
unknown darkness sings with pain
sad? or scared? or angry? in need?
no one knows, no one sees
take my hand, it trembles so
take me safe
take me though
take this child, while strong and weak
take this child, so she may speak
this child she speaks of ice and flame
the child speaks; a life of pain
take this child 'fore she fades
take this child, unknown to love's name
keep this child, all the same

lay me down, please lay me down
my poor heart, it races and pounds
lay me down
my soul shivers, quivers, disappears
my desperate cry, my desperate selves
please take me out, take me down
waters rush like tears
winds they blow, wild and cold
please tell them, please take them
keep them from, the world, themselves
lay their hearts to rest, their spirits stole'n
take back the child, take back the innocence
take back the pain, take back rain
let it fall , back into place
let it fall, through time and space
fall into those mysterious loving arms
hopes of comfort
come hold my hand
trembling be

homeless & lonely

i started feeling homeless about...a week or so ago, yes i have a roof over my head, but it's basically a shelter, a 550 dollar a month shelter.... since the staff are abusive i try to stay out most of the day, i'm out of classes and i've just been wasting time at places, malls, my parents house (pretty much just for the computer and food), i feel like i dont belong anywhere, i'm not wanted anywhere, i'm not needed anywhere....it's very distressing, it's lonely, and alone and depressing. i've been having a wanting to run and cry kind of feeling. I was waiting for group the other night and i was actually scanning the place looking for corners to hide in. it's like my brain is just shutting down, it's not safe to feel things at that place, there's no privacy, and it's starting to interfere in my treatment. i left a note for my case manager, trying to underscore how much i need to get out of that place and why. she wanted me to hang in there at that place for another few MONTHS. i realy don't want to and can't afford to end up in a hospital, especially since none of them around here have trauma programs, and most keep trying to dx me with bipolar, the last one said i was delusional.

it just seems so....pointless, but logically, not just emotionally like before...

confusion of the third kind

the shelter i'm staying at is setting me back in therapy, it's at the very least stopping in it's tracks. the staff have been verbally and emotionally abusive, they've threatened legal action for crimes i've never even thought of comitting. they still insist i've committed them infront of my case manager. but during that session i also found out that this non-proffit PAYS their board of directors. the exec. director says she doesn't get paid but just bought a new Benz and is having a house built.

i'm a very intelligent person. and that doesn't make any sense.

unwritten

it's a bit cliche but, it works for me, i got it from a free lyric site for anyone who cares about that

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken

[Unwritten lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten